Posted in Everyday Life, Rambling

Ridiculous

I am done explaining myself and my actual level sanity and capability to my family. I could ramble for days and anything I would express about the past 27 years of interactions with my family but I wouldn’t know where to start or stop. It hardly makes sense to me. I’ve made silly decisions in the past. None of which have left me a self-perceived scarred victim – however, Dr. Yablonski’s (Newark, OH) review can be found here. My experience with her would make anyone terrified of going to a doctor. I am 27, no kids – by choice, earned my BA in Psychology, never done drugs. I’ve dated good guys, and I’ve dated idiots. I’m currently dating a good guy in case you’re wondering. The idiots were not in my life for long. I am capable of intelligent decision-making and protecting myself. I have far surpassed expectations and I will not stop here.

But I know that I haven’t wanted to grow up because I have been so wary of becoming what the immediate adults in my life have become. Heredity is a *****. But being dependent upon anyone but myself and God leaves me susceptible to stagnation and not becoming the person that I know that I can be.

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One thought on “Ridiculous

  1. I hear what you are saying. I understand how you feel. I hope you can actually sort through it all w/Gods help and leave it behind. Just remember, in all our insanity things could have been a whole lot worse so don’t hold on to your angers and bad feelings too long like I have. It’s wastes so much precious time. I pray God to take the sting out of all that happened for you. Again I never meant to hurt my daughter, I love her, I have suffered the loss of what could have been, and have excessively hated and beaten myself up for being me,not being the mother I wanted to be to you, for getting sick, letting people in our lives that didn’t need to be there, and having absolutely no backbone or self confidence to make up my own mind about anything.
    You say you dated guys that weren’t so good and you acknowledge this and might have lingered with them longer and endured damage to your life if I/we hadn’t told you the red flags we saw. So why do you resent me/us for loving you and wanting the best for you? We were not trying to control you. Could it be that it was ingrained reaction in you after seeing years of me rebelling against my own parents? We often can see for others but can’t see past our own noses due to inexperience and not being in tune. I suppose that is why we need each other sometimes and need to build up trust. But it comes down to us becoming in tune with our own God give instincts, trusting that and being careful who we allow in our space. I am learning this pretty late in life but at least I am finally getting it. This last experience was a hard lesson and I am grateful that God protected me through it all and I have his forgiveness. I am finally finding it possible to forgive myself, others, place the past where it belongs and actually starting living.

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